Convictions: Music and Some Words

My 16 year old daughter and I take voice lessons together. I don't plan on cutting a CD soon (or at all) but Ali has a wonderful gift. Our teacher, Liz is wonderful and we sometimes do a little more talking between the three of us than singing.

We decided to change my lessons to familiar songs because I was feeling very insecure about learning new words (which is next to impossible for me). To end my lesson, we thought we would sing a hymn of my choice. I picked a familiar hymn, but one that makes me stretch up to higher notes. I am embarrassed to say, I couldn't make it through the first verse without bursting into tears. The Spirit touched me so strongly and I stopped singing and whispered, "I can't sing this right now."

I have a critic who thinks I could never feel the Holy Spirit and wants to convince me that I will never be worthy enough to enter Heaven. I will name this person by name at the end of this post. It seems when you are trying to make right choices and have dedicated yourself to do so, there is always a blockade to try to keep you from progressing. That is proof that you are on the right track.

My half-sister, who I consider a whole sister, but just explaining we didn't share childhood together, came to visit from out of state. She played our piano and wanted to check out some Mormon hymns. Well, needless to say, she is a professional hymn player and used to play in churches. So she would see the title of the song, not recognize it, and start a few bars and say, "Oh! I know this one!" Then she would play the tune perfectly and beyond perfectly by throwing in a few little Baptist chords to jazz it up a bit. Then we would sing together switching melody and harmony. I said, "I've never heard LDS hymns played like that before."

Liz and I were discussing hymns and how no one sings very loudly in Relief Society which makes everyone even more insecure about singing. That and the fact the chorister picks songs that no one knows and unless you've been in music lessons all your life won't figure out. That's why there are usually about three people singing confidently. So that was my complaint followed by, "That's it, I'm going back to the Baptist church. They had better music."

Liz and I sang a hymn and then these words jump out at me:

"I know that my Redeemer lives. What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead. He lives, my everliving Head.
He lives to bless me with his love. He lives to plead for me above..........

And that's where it stopped. How blessed we are to have an advocate, to plead our case. My bishop told me Sunday, the Lord knows our suffering. He knows what's in our hearts. So why should anyone's opinion matter? Now I can tell you who has criticized me, tortured me with my sins and thinks I don't deserve to be forgiven. This person has resembled a fellow church member sometimes and has told me they were far more righteous than me. This person has sinned much worse than I have, but yet I am unforgivable. This person's name is Lucifer. Do you recognize him?

Chapter 18: There Are No Accidents

I don't believe in predestination. I do however believe there are no accidents. I don't believe that we are robots in God's control but that we have choices. I do believe that our paths cross with others' for a reason, even if we don't see the wisdom right away.

I think about the many people who have been in and out of my life and what I have gained from them. Sometimes it is strength. Sometimes it is a valuable lesson. Sometimes the lessons have been extremely painful. I have not usually chosen people or situations that leave destruction, but even a lesson can be learned from destruction.

On Monday, January 7th, 1985, I described Deana as my reason to go on and my purpose for being here at this time. Sounds dramatic, I know. I was in a depression and at that point didn't have much direction. I was having major family problems with my mother who was not supportive at this time. I recorded quite a few arguments and hurtful situations and it's amazing how much emotion comes back when reading these things. I don't hold a grudge and I respect her as my mother but too much time with her opens the doors to criticize me even to this day. I have to do a self-esteem check before I contact her. She repeatedly told me she couldn't wait for me to leave home.

So here I was at a point in my life that I really didn't know what to do. I had graduated as an honor student in high school, but was never career minded. It wasn't encouraged at my house. My parents weren't college educated and it was never really brought up. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was almost 19 with no future. Other friends were living with their parents, some going to college - some not, some working part time and didn't have the pressure of moving out. They would live at home until they married or graduated from college. I didn't have that option. I felt hopeless.

Deana had her own stresses at this time. Her parents were very unhappy about her talking to the missionaries. Deana's mom had high blood pressure and Deana was afraid the stress of her talking to the missionaries would give her a heart attack. She didn't know what to do but she said she knew the church was true and that she should get baptized.

We were a great strength for each other at this time. We covered up our troubles with a lot of laughter. We were involved with the Institute of Religion going to classes, dances and other activities. There were always plenty of boys around that kept our minds off of things.

I mentioned my old friend, John, on January 12th. "I talked to John tonight, too. It was really depressing. We're both hurt by us breaking up and it's really hard to be 'just friends.' I still have a lot of feelings but things are different. Things that are important to me aren't important to him. But I think I still love him even though I don't want to." Pretty deep for a budding blonde.

So back to "accidents." It amazes me how blessed I am to have had certain people in my life. Is it that I purposely look for something to learn from everyone? Or do certain people come into your life for a reason? Maybe both. I think about the people currently in my life and how lucky I am to have them. I have learned a lot from my family, my friends, my husband, children and people I work with. Even old friends and random strangers can tell you what you need to hear at the time you need to hear it.