Chapter 18: There Are No Accidents

I don't believe in predestination. I do however believe there are no accidents. I don't believe that we are robots in God's control but that we have choices. I do believe that our paths cross with others' for a reason, even if we don't see the wisdom right away.

I think about the many people who have been in and out of my life and what I have gained from them. Sometimes it is strength. Sometimes it is a valuable lesson. Sometimes the lessons have been extremely painful. I have not usually chosen people or situations that leave destruction, but even a lesson can be learned from destruction.

On Monday, January 7th, 1985, I described Deana as my reason to go on and my purpose for being here at this time. Sounds dramatic, I know. I was in a depression and at that point didn't have much direction. I was having major family problems with my mother who was not supportive at this time. I recorded quite a few arguments and hurtful situations and it's amazing how much emotion comes back when reading these things. I don't hold a grudge and I respect her as my mother but too much time with her opens the doors to criticize me even to this day. I have to do a self-esteem check before I contact her. She repeatedly told me she couldn't wait for me to leave home.

So here I was at a point in my life that I really didn't know what to do. I had graduated as an honor student in high school, but was never career minded. It wasn't encouraged at my house. My parents weren't college educated and it was never really brought up. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was almost 19 with no future. Other friends were living with their parents, some going to college - some not, some working part time and didn't have the pressure of moving out. They would live at home until they married or graduated from college. I didn't have that option. I felt hopeless.

Deana had her own stresses at this time. Her parents were very unhappy about her talking to the missionaries. Deana's mom had high blood pressure and Deana was afraid the stress of her talking to the missionaries would give her a heart attack. She didn't know what to do but she said she knew the church was true and that she should get baptized.

We were a great strength for each other at this time. We covered up our troubles with a lot of laughter. We were involved with the Institute of Religion going to classes, dances and other activities. There were always plenty of boys around that kept our minds off of things.

I mentioned my old friend, John, on January 12th. "I talked to John tonight, too. It was really depressing. We're both hurt by us breaking up and it's really hard to be 'just friends.' I still have a lot of feelings but things are different. Things that are important to me aren't important to him. But I think I still love him even though I don't want to." Pretty deep for a budding blonde.

So back to "accidents." It amazes me how blessed I am to have had certain people in my life. Is it that I purposely look for something to learn from everyone? Or do certain people come into your life for a reason? Maybe both. I think about the people currently in my life and how lucky I am to have them. I have learned a lot from my family, my friends, my husband, children and people I work with. Even old friends and random strangers can tell you what you need to hear at the time you need to hear it.